Going Through Divorce: What I’m Learning in a Season I Never Expected
David Martin
Divorce is something I have talked about with clients for years. As a psychotherapist, I have sat across from people dealing with betrayal, anger, grief, custody disputes, financial uncertainty, loneliness, and the frightening question of what life will look like when the future they expected suddenly disappears.
But understanding divorce professionally and living through it personally are two very different things.
I am currently going through a divorce myself. It has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
This was not the direction I expected my life to take. There have been moments of sadness, frustration, anger, uncertainty, and exhaustion. There have also been moments when I have had to remind myself that I cannot control every outcome, every decision another person makes, or every circumstance surrounding me.
I can, however, decide what kind of man and father I want to be while I walk through it.
Divorce Is More Than the End of a Marriage
One thing I understand differently now is that divorce involves many losses at the same time.
You are not simply grieving a relationship.
You may be grieving the family structure you thought would always exist. You may lose traditions, routines, financial security, friendships, time with your children, and even your sense of home.
Sometimes you are grieving something that technically still exists.
Your children are still your children. You are still their father. But suddenly you may not put them to sleep at night or wake up in the same house with them every morning. You may miss ordinary moments that you once took for granted.
Those losses are difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced them.
Being a Therapist Does Not Make Me Immune
One of the humbling parts of this experience has been recognizing that knowing healthy coping skills does not mean I automatically feel okay.
I understand cognitive distortions. I understand grief. I understand emotional regulation. I have helped people navigate major life transitions for years.
And I still have difficult days.
There is an important lesson in that.
Mental health is not about eliminating painful emotions. Sometimes the healthiest response to something painful is to acknowledge that it hurts.
The work is learning how to experience those emotions without allowing them to determine every decision you make.
My Children Changed My Perspective
Perhaps nothing has influenced me more throughout this process than being a father.
Divorce can create an enormous temptation to focus on fairness: Who is right? Who is wrong? Who sacrificed more? Who caused what?
Some of those questions may need to be addressed in the appropriate setting. But children need something different from their parents.
They need stability.
They need reassurance.
They need permission to love both parents without feeling responsible for either parent's emotions.
I have had to continually ask myself a question that I often encourage parents in my practice to consider:
What will my children remember about how I handled this season?
I cannot control every memory they will have. But I can work toward being present, dependable, loving, and emotionally available.
Years from now, I want my children to know that even during one of the hardest periods of my life, being their father remained one of my highest priorities.
Divorce Can Become Incredibly Expensive
Another reality that does not receive enough attention is the financial impact.
Attorneys, experts, separate households, duplicated expenses, property decisions, and countless other costs can accumulate quickly.
It can become easy to view every disagreement as something that needs to be "won."
But there is often a price attached to winning a battle.
Going through this has made me think much more seriously about the difference between pursuing something because it is genuinely important and pursuing it because I am angry, afraid, or determined to prove a point.
Money spent fighting is money that will not be available for our children's education, experiences, future needs, or either parent's ability to rebuild.
That does not mean boundaries should disappear or that legitimate issues should be ignored. It means asking whether each battle actually moves the family toward a healthier future.
I Am Learning to Accept What I Cannot Control
This may be one of the hardest lessons.
I cannot control another person's interpretation of events.
I cannot control what someone says about me.
I cannot control every legal decision.
I cannot control how quickly conflict resolves.
And I cannot rewrite the past.
I can control my actions.
I can control whether I respond immediately when I am angry or wait until I can think clearly.
I can control whether I invest my energy in resentment or rebuilding.
I can control whether I continue showing up for my children, my work, my relationships, my faith, and the responsibilities in front of me.
That distinction has become increasingly important.
Starting Over Is Both Painful and Hopeful
There is something strange about rebuilding a life you never expected to have to rebuild.
You establish new routines. You create a different home. You learn what life looks like when the children are with you and when they are not.
At first, many of those changes feel like reminders of what was lost.
Eventually, some of them begin to feel different.
They begin to feel like evidence that life is continuing.
I am discovering that moving forward does not require pretending the past did not matter. A marriage can have mattered deeply and still end. A family can change structure without ceasing to be a family.
There can be grief and gratitude at the same time.
Men Need Places Where They Can Talk Honestly
This experience has also affected the way I think about men and mental health.
Many men going through divorce are carrying enormous amounts of fear, shame, anger, financial pressure, and loneliness while telling almost no one what is actually happening.
Some respond by isolating. Others bury themselves in work. Some immediately pursue another relationship. Others numb themselves with alcohol, substances, gambling, pornography, or other distractions.
But avoiding grief does not resolve grief.
Men need healthy friendships. We need people who will listen without automatically fueling our anger. We need places where vulnerability is not interpreted as weakness.
And sometimes we need professional help.
Being strong and asking for help are not opposites.
I Am Still in the Middle of the Story
I cannot write this from the perspective of someone who has everything figured out.
I don't.
I am still going through it.
There are still unanswered questions. There are still difficult conversations and decisions ahead. There are still days when I wish circumstances were different.
But I am beginning to understand that healing does not have to wait until everything is resolved.
You can begin rebuilding while the story is still unfinished.
You can become healthier while circumstances remain difficult.
You can experience joy without denying grief.
And you can begin imagining a future that looks different from the one you originally planned.
If You Are Going Through Divorce
If you are reading this while going through your own divorce, particularly as a father or husband, I would encourage you not to measure your entire future by what life feels like today.
Protect your relationship with your children.
Take care of your physical and emotional health.
Be careful about making permanent decisions from temporary anger.
Find people who can support you without simply reinforcing resentment.
Get professional help when you need it.
And give yourself permission to grieve. Deeply.
Divorce may represent the end of an important chapter of your life, but it does not have to become the definition of the rest of your life.
I am learning that myself.
My story is still being written.
And while I would not have chosen many of the circumstances that brought me here, I can still choose what I do with the life in front of me.
For now, that means continuing to be a father, continuing to serve the people who trust me as their therapist, continuing to grow, and continuing to believe that there is meaningful life on the other side of a season I never expected to face.
